On Friday I had my spirometry in the hospital in Beverwijk. My lungs are 100% okay, which is a good thing. This was the last medical examination for now, which means they will actually plan my surgery. I really hope that I will hear the date soon. Usually they call you two to three weeks before the actual date, but I think I have made it very clear that I just want to know it as soon as possible. Fingers crossed that I will get the news next week!
The day didn’t end after my trip to Beverwijk. In the afternoon I have met my support group for the first time. We spent the afternoon at the Nederlandse Obesitas Kliniek, which is situated inside the St. Lukas Andreas hospital in Amsterdam. It was the second time that the group came together, but that wasn’t really a problem. The people I met were friendly so I’ll be fine there. I did come home with a headache. We got so much information at once from a dietitian, a doctor and a psychologist. It was all quite useful, but there’s so much that I need to learn before the actual surgery. I am not looking forward to the diet I will be on in the last two weeks before the surgery, but I have a goal. I need to keep in my mind that this is what I want to do. Even if that means that I have to live on nasty shakes for two weeks.
This morning I received a phone call from the ‘Nederlandse Obesitas Kliniek‘ (Dutch Obesity Clinic) in Amsterdam. I didn’t really expect that as I have always had contact with the location in Hilversum until now. Before and after my weight loss surgery I will be part of a ‘support group’. We will all have the same surgical operation, so we will be able to support each other while we are changing our lifestyle. So the woman on the phone told me that if I would switch to their location in Amsterdam, I would be able to start with the support group on Friday.
I have said ‘yes’ on condition that I can start next week instead of Friday. On Friday I will have two appointments at the hospital in Beverwijk that I don’t want to reschedule. That is something she could understand, so it was fine. Things are really starting to happen now. It means that I will be preparing for surgery until April 11 and since there’s hardly a waiting list in Beverwijk it means that it will happen in April or May for sure! I am both excited and terrified, but at least I have something to look forward to!
Last week I went to a concert with my friend Fabi. The venue was full of teenage girls and we kind of felt like we were 14 again. It made me think about what I was like when I was 14. I was definitely into music and concerts back then, but I didn’t really feel good about myself. I do remember that I felt ugly and fat, even though nothing was wrong with me.
As a teenager I was a normal girl, with a BMI of 21. Maybe I was even pretty, but I couldn’t see that. I was even afraid to wear a dress or a skirt as I thought nobody would like to see my awful legs. Instead I was hiding myself in baggy sweaters and jeans. If I see pictures of that girl, I know that nothing was wrong with her. I just couldn’t see myself for what I was. Most of my friends were wearing a smaller size which made them thinner in my mind. I was a young woman at age 14, with curves. I was already 174 cm tall (or 5′ 8″). They were shorter than I was. I was comparing myself to them, but that wasn’t fair.
So most of my ‘feeling so fat’ was just happening in my mind. When I look at those pictures now, I can only dream about being that skinny. Still I feel better about myself than I did back then. I don’t like my weight, but I know that it’s just a number. It’s not who I am on the inside. People who judge me on my weight are not my friends. The people who love me for who I am right now are the ones that I want to have in my life. I do hope that I will stay this strong when I start losing weight. I would love to go back to a smaller size, but I don’t want to lose all the lessons I have learned in the past 16 years!