Spring is coming and I feel the urge to go shopping for new clothes this summer. Of course that is not a very wise idea with my surgery coming up in three weeks. I mean, I have no idea what size I will wear this summer. I might still have some old clothes left that will fit me and I don’t want to waste money on something I won’t use. That doesn’t mean I don’t like shopping!
So instead of buying clothes I just looked at shoes. I’ve bought myself two pairs of slippers, one pair of sneaker wedges and new fitness shoes for the gym. Even though my feet might change a bit, I am pretty sure I will be able to use these for a while. I have had my fair share of shop therapy this week and I didn’t even buy anything useless. Did I mention new shoes make me a happy girl?
Otherwise I will just focus on the fact that my time will come. When I have the gastric bypass surgery behind me I might need new clothes soon. Then I’ll go shopping. Who’s with me?
Today I finally got the phone call that I have been waiting for. One of the nurses from the hospital called me to tell that she had scheduled my surgery. That was good news. My gastric bypass surgery will be performed on Thursday the 24th of April. That is only four weeks from now. It feels good and I can’t wait, so I am glad that it will be in April and not in May.
I am also happy that I finally know the exact date now. It means that I can plan everything for real now and that I can make plans with friends, instead of telling them that I would love to do this or that but that I might not be there because of the surgery. I also know when I need to start my special fat-free diet. The one with the nasty shakes. I will probably write more about that later, as I might need some support then. Right now I am just happy that it will all happen soon.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I wonder who that girl is who is looking at me. I don’t recognize her, or maybe I don’t want to. She has this sad look on her face and I wonder why she doesn’t smile back at me. Then I realize that she can’t. She feels trapped inside this body that doesn’t belong to her.
That girl is me. After years of struggling with depressions I have found myself again. On the inside I am the woman who I want to be. Yet when I look in the mirror, I can’t find myself. In those years when I was fighting against myself and the world I have literally put on a shield to protect myself. I don’t need that anymore and I don’t want to look at it either. My weight is the scar of those bad times and to become the best version of ‘me’ I need to lose the weight that I put on in my worst years.
I hope that the weight loss surgery will be the first step in the right direction. By losing weight I will be able to go to the gym and finally work out the way I want to. I need to change the way I eat, otherwise I will feel sick and tired. So hopefully it will help me to leave the girl with the sad face behind and go on with life as it should be.
Maybe one day I will look in the mirror and say: ‘Hey me, glad to see you again. I have missed you.’ With the weight loss surgery coming closer that day might come sooner than we both think. So today I will look in my mirror and say: ‘It’s time to move on.