Memories of my weightloss surgery

Yesterday I didn’t feel so well. For some reason my mind keeps going back to the day of my surgery sometimes. That was quite a day. I know that sometimes I can’t shut up about how I have spent almost a week in the hospital, but I am not sure if I am completely over that already. There were some tears in my eyes last night when I talked about the memories of my weightloss surgery.

The scariest part of all this was the anesthesia. I had no idea what to expect of that. I mean, yes, you fall ‘asleep’ rather quickly. That’s what they had told me and it was true. Nobody had warned me about the part where you wake up. It was nothing like waking up after a normal kind of sleep. I didn’t feel well. It was like a the nightmares I have sometimes where I can’t see much and can’t really move but I would like to scream. Only this time it was for real. I remember waking up several times. I saw a clock that kept speeding forward. There was a guy telling me to wake up and asking me if I was in any pain. He also told me I already got too many painkillers already when I asked for more. He said that I shouldn’t be in this much pain, which scared me as I know that I can handle pain very well normally. I remember feeling the blood pressure monitor on my arm a couple of times, thought I don’t remember if it was there all the time or if they would put it on again when it was time. I know that this lasted for a couple of hours before they finally got me back to the ward on the fifth floor.

I wasn’t awake when they brought me back to the ward. I don’t remember the ride on the elevator. I do however remember that my parents were there, waiting for me. That my mother was crying. Then in what felt like 5 minutes later (which is probably more like 2 hours later) my family and Huib came to see me during the visiting hour. I mostly just remember hearing their voices. That was comforting. I knew someone was there. Still I could not wake up properly. I must have said a few words, or smiled at them, but I am not sure. I do know from pictures they’ve taken that I wasn’t doing so well that night.

It took me many hours to wake up. When it was 11 pm I had to pee so bad. That was when I had the feeling that I was actually waking up. Guess what? At that point it was time for me to fall asleep. I couldn’t sleep that night as I was in so much pain. Yeah, that didn’t really help. I didn’t sleep the first three nights at the hospital even though I was tired. Apparently my body was under the impression that I had gotten enough sleep during the first day.

I really do hope that this will get better one day. That I can look back at this experience without being scared. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am really happy that I have done this for myself. Just the thought of ever having to go back to a hospital for another surgery scares me so much. Especially now with these gall bladder attacks or when someone asks me if I am thinking about getting the excess skin removed. It frightens me. I don’t want to think of this and yet I can’t seem to avoid it.

To the people who know me in real life, I would like to ask you to bear with me here. I know that it seems to be all I can talk about some days, but I can’t help it. I need to get this out of my system.

6 months surgiversary

6 monthsSource 

Today is my 6 months surgiversary. The past 6 months have gone by really quick. So much has happened and on the other hand it feels like it was last week that I was at the hospital. At the moment I am doing great. I am not losing a lot of weight, but that is alright. I can deal with that. I have won so much already and I feel good. On top of that I am still losing a little weight every week, so as long as that number is going down, I am happy. I bet my doctor would like to see more results, but she still doesn’t count the fact that I have been sick the first few weeks and that I wasn’t allowed to do much. I was falling behind from the first day. Should I hate myself for that? No. I have changed so much and I am working my ass off, so she can talk all she wants, I am really happy with the results so far.

At the same time it feels like I am not done yet. There’s a lot that I still need to do. First of all I want to get fitter and then I still want to lose more weight. It will happen, good things take time. So I need to have patience. For now let’s just celebrate my 6 months surgiversary. The first 6 months of my new life are over and it all feels good. Let’s see what will happen in the next 6 months. I can’t wait to see where I will be in April 2015!

TBT: Austria 2002

Austria 2002Last weekend when I saw all those paragliders up in the air in Switzerland, I made a promise to myself that I will do that again one day, when I am fit again. It could be a present to myself for getting back to a normal weight. I remember that my tandem flight in 2002 was really awesome. I was super scared, but it turned out not to be scary at all once we were in the air. It was a pure rush of adrenaline and the view from up there was awesome. The only thing that was bad was that it was over so soon.

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